so that wasnt chicken after all
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
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My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
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dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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