Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize