Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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