Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
