I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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