It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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