are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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