Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
