sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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