I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
