My liver just broke up with me...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
