Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
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I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
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Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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