I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
