This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
