i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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