I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
