I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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