According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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