I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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