dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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