Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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