soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
