The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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