Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
