guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
