I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
