Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
