My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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