she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
