Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
