Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
