I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
