I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
