Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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