I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
