Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
