i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
