My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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