I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
