Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
