One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
