i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
