I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I want her autograph on my taint
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The Olympian is in my bed
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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