I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
