i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
