everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
