Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
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Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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