Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I need to calm my uterus...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
