you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize