This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
