I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
