So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.