I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
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We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.