Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.