ya dads aren't the best wingmen
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.