we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife