alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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