Pants 0. Shit 1.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
