I just threw up on my dentist
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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